shalomenigma's Xanga

life of bliss in bali.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:51:03 GMT

this is literally the life of a very happy child in her mid 20's.

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 04:40:33 GMT

Got this off someone's blog.

"It's been over a year since Christina and I broke up, and I still miss her. I'm doing a lot better now than I was a year ago, or 6 months ago, but I still miss her. I've been with other girls since then, and it helped some. There were times when I felt really close to Lauren. I think getting over Lauren and moving on was easier because I know why it didn't work out. I know that it wasn't a problem with us, it was just that the distance and the age difference and everything made it too much. In another time and place, it could work. It's not like that with Christina. When I experience something beautiful or funny or een just everyday, she's usually the person I want to share it with. And when I'm at my worst, when I'm falling asleep with tears in my eyes, Christina is the one I'm thinking about.

I wish I could meet someone here, in Oklahoma. All of the girls I've been with have been people I met online. I wish I could find somebody special here I could have a relationship with. Someone I could hold hands with. Someone I could go out to dinner with. Someone I could sleep with. Someone I could have a sexual relationship with instead of just having sex with. Someone who I could call up any time I was feeling bored or alone. Someone I could do nothing with. Someone I could kiss. Someone I can share everything with. Someone who I could introduce to my friends. Someone I could convince to watch soccer games with me. I wish whatever people like Christina and Lauren saw in me people here could see in me too. I want to fall head over heels in love with somebody I can be with here and now, not only in our fantasies. I want to feel connected to someone."

I so wish my own boyfriend feels this way about me and the relationship. Sadly... NOT. Don't we all just take these things for granted? Sadly... YES.

done.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 01:13:36 GMT

I'm done with people who hurt you and do not see it. so much for not hurting the people around you that loves you, and i got hurt over & over again. some people would clearly choose other girls and hurt you and ask you to leave. thats what i got in my face, no remorse feelings, so apologies that was sincere, just to get lost because 'what i did was not wrong'. now i know where i stand in your life, all those words and promises were empty. no guilt for hurting me, no guilt for not being there, no guilt for treating me the way you did. i gave my 100% to you as i first promised you, without taking it for granted, not to leave you when you needed me most, to be by your side, to love & cherish you, to always love you. you took all your promises to me for granted, so lightly. what is said & done cannot be undone. so much for love or even loving someone. you get bitten and hurt.

JUST STOP IT.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 03:24:05 GMT

just stop with your ego, just stop with the attitude, you are really pushing me away. more than you can ever imagine, that is NOT love. just have some respect. have some sensitivity. just be a gentleman. know who is in the wrong and who is not. stop taking out on others who did not do anything wrong to you. why go and take people for granted and hurt those who really fucking care and love you? why do you NEED to always be in the right when you are clearly in the wrong? just because you had a hard life does not mean you must make it hard for others! there are some people who are genuine to you so open your fucking eyes and see that. what is said & done cannot be UNDONE. don't go appreciating those who are taking you for a fucking ride. appreciate those who are fucking genuine. you are an adult. you should be able to judge and know that. wonder why your life is always fucked over? because you allow it to be by appreciate the wrong people. i thought i was strong, but you have pushed me to the edge and my limit. i have no more patience to let it slide over and over again. it is fucking unfair. all i ask is to be a gentleman. in OVERALL, be nice! courteous! have empathy! have some heart! it does not have alway be YOU. It can be for OTHERS too! doubt you will ever let your pride go enough to see the good in people. i give up, literally and this time i really do. i cannot turn back and i won't until i know its a sincere move from your end. you really just lost everything of me as of last night. that is the most disrespectful thing you did. i never imagine some shit ass bastard got you all fired up but suddenly we ended up in shits. the shit should be fired towards the bastard and not me. as always, its easy to just let it out on me. thats because i always allow you to but not fucking anymore. i don't see the point of trying anymore. apologies after apologies and then ego kicks in and you go back on your word. how long you want me to believe your apologies? have you not heard or read about the fucking story where the kid kept tricking the villagers till the point when he is in deep trouble, they just ignored him? well, there is only so much insincere apologies a person can take. once is fine, twice is a coincidence but fucking 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 et cetera is just total utter waste of time. you need a slut. that's all you need. a slut that shuts up, has no fucking principals and listens to you like you are the king. well, go ahead because i am done and until you really are genuine and sincere, you can undo it. if not, just don't bother trying, really. stop wasting anyone's time and money. i just lost every inch of hope and trust in your word. it is not that i have never tried. why treat people the way you hate people treating you? why hurt others? why hurt ME? just dump me, wouldn't that be better? at this point, i really don't mind or care. it will hurt but at the very least, the whole emotional roller coaster of torture is over. and i swear never to be apart of your life forever. not even a tiny bit. you lead yours and i lead mine. separated.

i need to know this: don't you have an inch of guilt when you hurt me?

....I will follow you into the dark.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 04:38:05 GMT

been feeling really troubled. how do i get past this?

at many times, i just miss. with no regrets of a surface. every lines meets with lightness of ink. our instincts are misleading, they don't tell you to walk. you just know you should walk. you should not think what you are feeling. the implications of complications is death defying.

there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade, now it's gone and its like it wasn't there at all and here i rest in disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night. all night.

i wonder if death cab for cutie experienced what i did. manifestations of feelings are boiling within. some people just do not care, actually they do, but they choose not to. it shows very clearly. there's always an excuse of not having time nor the money for others and there is always money and time for one's self. how do you make someone feel special or at the very least loved? don't you miss the times when you first fall for someone? your heart jumps a beat, butterflies in your stomach, the need to always please or try to please, the excitement and the joy of wanting to love and spoil him/her when he/she is yours? all yours to love, care and spoil. where has that all gone? arguments, complacency, money, time are all just excuses we make up to get away with things. in fact, all we do is take things for granted, like the person we love will be there for you today, tomorrow and in the future. why make excuses? i read somewhere and having insights from both male and female friends, you can be practical and realistic but everybody loves to be surprised and spoilt in some ways or another. its the little special things that counts, especially if it is what one really loves. well, for all my footprint readers since 2005, you'd already know i love white roses and ladybirds (yes, am still with my ladybirds), and my music taste 'can' be a bit odd to many. you can't hide the innocent, nice things you love.

have you ever doubted yourself? that you need to blend in with what society expects of you to be? i often doubt myself, why be nice when bad ones always wins. its a struggle.

you need to respect for one's feelings, one's self worth, treat them with good intentions and kindness. someone once told me years back "the ends justify the means and freaking apply that when you are in a relationship!" (unquote). he was so right. and i did for 5 years then on and it didn't work out. and life moves on. i don't look back because it's all about looking forward. but i did reflect back, and realized, fuck. my friend was so right. then he left for the U.S. it did me good, it did the relationship good. it did my life good. it did my friends good. it did my work good. it did my family good. and then you go on thinking by turning the pages in the book of frances teresa angus, the life of me, my own life.... that there were hardly any regrets but a lot of anguish which i had no control off. it seemed to all have started in 1996, then 1997.. then now. i now know why.

i just miss the feeling of love.

and ... i miss your warmth, your touch, your attention, your care, the little sweet things you used to do. i just miss it. (sorry, this is a personal message.) i just had to write it out. i had to let it out. there is only so much i can crave anymore.

i will leave all you footieprints with this from DCFC.

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

...a new chapter and turn the page, literally.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:50:15 GMT

Oh boy, I totally even forgot how to log in, and how to blog, it's been so many freaking months since I even visited my own blog. Well, since I have been wanting a place to vent and update myself of my own life considering its just passed me by with a blink of an eye.. thought I'll come back to my old friend. Was reading through my older posts and my latest post before this, boy was I such a different person altogether from who I am now. Gone are the days of no worries or care in the world, no tension, stress or pressure from relationship, nor work and everything was just very well balanced.

I guess it comes with age, responsibility and changes in one's own life. Well, in a nutshell, since my last post, I was in BnBC Advertising for 3 years, left to AMP Astro for a year and now am back with BnBC Advertising. Broke up in August 08 with Fang, got into a new relationship with a man called Terence since Aug 08 (yeah, go figure). Still am in the relationship, been 10 months now, a loooooooong 10 months, I'd say. Ups & downs. Thick & thin. Happy & sad. You name it.. but doesn't it come in every relationship?

Somehow, when it comes to the matters of the heart or in other words 'love', I don't seem to be handling it well now and for the life of me I don't know why! Its always complicated, but i always knew how to be in control of the situation and especially my own feelings. However, in this case, I can simply admit to you I am just as lost as you are or (for some people:have always been). It's something new to learn from. Was talking to a good friend of mine the other day over dinner about work, people, religion and he brought up relationship. And knowing HIM, the many years as friends, we hardly ever broach the subject of relationship. I think the subject of religion got him pumped, and the connection to that? who knows. `:) ANYWAYS, it was a pretty insightful conversation, I have learnt a lot from his point of view. The issues that has vested and fermented in me over the months, it was actually said out by my friend from his own experience and life in relationships. Him being in a secure one with an awesome woman now, felt the way I did but I never dared to speak to anyone about. One thing great about talking with my friend was that his wavelength meets mine (for serious topics only) and definitely not on stupid matters as normally he and I are psychotic in our own ways.

So, I have concluded that in many ways, men are the same in its fundamentals and the same for women. Some are more inclined to be very ambitious, some are more money-minded, some are free-thinkers, some are pure egoistic, some are care-free, some are a romantic, some are deceiving & evil, some are innocent & kind and you may continue the phrases of description yourself (since i assume you'd get the idea by now)... ULTIMATELY, in exterior everyone portrays a tough image but on the interior - everyone HAS INFERIORITIES and INSECURITIES. It is merely a fact. How you want to position or portray your image to people is a personal choice, but who you really are on the inside is what I am more interested in and attracted to. Everybody can fake an image (hello, I AM in advertising, for Pete's sake) but nobody can fake what's real. Sometimes, when you meet the right person, it is no harm to let your guard down a little... a lot of good things will come your way. The danger of letting your guard down coupled with a wrong judgement call or to the wrong person will hurt a little or a whole lot. Always make good judgement on people. Sincere people are more transparent. I know I am but my mistake is letting my guard down to the wrong people, so I end up always hurting inside. Hard to swallow but it is true. Am in a middle of a crisis.

Then, at lunch today I had a conversation again with my colleagues, one is married (dated 12 years before marrying for 4 years), the other is my age (dating for 1 year plus and is already talking about marriage). Hm, insightful again.. two vast angle of the stories. The best insight is from my babe, Eleanor whom has gone through what I have been going through and I truly identify with everything she has experienced.

Hm, okay... till tomorrow or something. Got to fuck off nicely and quietly.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 08:20:54 GMT

ashtray girl

"i hold an image of the ashtray girl

of ciggarette burns on my chest".

This year is dedicated to music.

Latest news, i have resigned and my last day would be the end of march. i have not found a job, a place and a car. i'm instead spending my dough on gigs and concerts. next aim is to go to Perth and have fun in the V festival watching my dream band Smashing Pumpkins perform. sadly, ain't the original guys but hey, i can't be choosy. my next aim would be Placebo, but that comes with the wish of sleeping with Molko. i'm in love with him, why doesn't anyone believe me? because he's bisexual? or is it because i'm already in a rship and everyone thinks i'm already married? you do know that the last in line is always called a bastard. i want him so badly and this is not some pyscho-fanatic-fan-loving-fuckfaced-crazed. it's for real. If my dream of meeting james iha could actually be come true, whatmore Molko?

I love the internet. my best friend is now youtube.com. they close the bridges between me and Molko. OK. i'll stop. i sound pyscho.

BTW, if you're a facebooker, type "frances angus" and we'll share some music interests. Gee, i'm already learning to play the guitar because of him. What happened to being cool?

"Soulmates Never Die"

Other than my "love life" with Molko :), i too went to Switchfoot & Explosions In The Sky. Switchfoot was expected but Explosions were fucking awesome. good show, fucking good one.

Explosions in the Sky

they so fucking rock. go to youtube.com and type in "Explosions In The Sky Live in Malaysia". Greet Death, Welcome Ghosts (the best) and Your Hand In Mine was fucking awesome. Personally, I prefered them to Mogwai. But thinking bout it, Mogwai was awesome too.

Switchfoot

They played all me favourites - Learning to Breath (the best), We Are One Tonight, Only Hope, Dare You To Move, Meant To Live

Friday, January 25, 2008

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 06:23:50 GMT

omg omg omg omg!! i just found out explosions in the sky is coming here! HERE! omg omg omg omg omg omg omg.. my dreams came true.. i'm SO going! RM110, NO BIGGY! It's Explosions In The Sky -HELLO! Thanks MaK! You D Bomb! I'm so gonna cry! omg omg omg. I will take out my top for you EITS! I'm your biggest fan :)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 05:44:52 GMT

What an egg.

I feel so much happier as - What's with you and your super imposed, not existence power you think you have when in fact, you're a fearful pathetic scum? I am, in fact very happy to know even the people closests to you hate your guts, and in totality - YOU. The people you'd never thought off can't stand you. They and I, sincerely label you a 'pyscho' and you really are. You think no one knows? You think they like you? Everyone knows, everyone knows you're a pyscho. And you know what? I won. I didn't have to show "fear", neither did I have to use physical force and yet I won. Why do you have to always be so rude, so childish and so darn insecure?

You're not the least pretty, you're not feminine, you're a nobody to anyone. The mention of your name sends people talking bout you so much so, as if you're just one psycho, insecure b*itch. I have so much personal things I want to say it here, but I won't. I know so many personal things that will leave you so so so jealous, insecure but..some things are best left untold to you. You think you have so much power, people are "scared" of you, but ya know..everyone thinks you're a pathetic, and we know someone is so forced to be with you, so darn pussy whipped. What you have done, cannot be taken back. Instead, it positions you, and who you are. You can be nicer, not so childish and so forth, but you just don't want to.

Saying 'sorry' and trying avoid are like two different things. We can see you, you know. This is the first & last time I will say this. I'm so far has moved on but you just irritate me, seeing you 'trying' so support your boyfriend makes people so irritated that you're there. No one wants you to mix with anyone of our friends, we don't like you anywhere near us, and this is not coming from me. "She deserves to be b*tch slapped!" said one. Please, look at yourself in the mirror, you're serioudly annoying everyone.

Go home and sulk. We don't need you.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:48:15 GMT

Changes.

So much has changed since I last blogged, so little footprints were left as well! haha. Well, should I start by informing you I have been promoted to Account Manager since 1st Sept? :) That's great news isnt it? I have also one final evaluation for Level 3 before I hop on to Level 4 in Skate School... that's another awesome news. Soon, i will be in Level 6 and skating like a pro! haha. Ok, dry sense of humour - i guess i acquired this long time ago. Hmm.. what else, guess slowly i have been going out with the girls again.. coz the last time was during the BMW 1 Series Launch, and that was the last post. Wah, thats long huh. Miss my girls. What else, peace has come my way.. happiness as well. There was a spell of time when it was quite tipsy-turvy with not-needed fuss. Found the usage of Facebook pretty interesting from Lavinia, the hot mama that keeps bugging me to pet her Pabee, a non-interactive virtual pet, haha. Well, please pet my Wally a baby Wallaby as well, hehe. Other than that, pictures speak louder than words,so here goes:

Hmm..when and where was this? AH! Michelle's burfday @ Bar 21

This is the Baller's Bash @ my Fangy's place.. to celebrate their 3rd place Victory.

Ok...next. Auto Bavaria Penang Photoshoot before the Launch.. crackheads fooling around in the photoshoot.. including our very ol' trusted photographer!