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| Got this off someone's blog.
"It's been over a year since Christina and I broke up, and I still miss her. I'm doing a lot better now than I was a year ago, or 6 months ago, but I still miss her. I've been with other girls since then, and it helped some. There were times when I felt really close to Lauren. I think getting over Lauren and moving on was easier because I know why it didn't work out. I know that it wasn't a problem with us, it was just that the distance and the age difference and everything made it too much. In another time and place, it could work. It's not like that with Christina. When I experience something beautiful or funny or een just everyday, she's usually the person I want to share it with. And when I'm at my worst, when I'm falling asleep with tears in my eyes, Christina is the one I'm thinking about.
I wish I could meet someone here, in Oklahoma. All of the girls I've been with have been people I met online. I wish I could find somebody special here I could have a relationship with. Someone I could hold hands with. Someone I could go out to dinner with. Someone I could sleep with. Someone I could have a sexual relationship with instead of just having sex with. Someone who I could call up any time I was feeling bored or alone. Someone I could do nothing with. Someone I could kiss. Someone I can share everything with. Someone who I could introduce to my friends. Someone I could convince to watch soccer games with me. I wish whatever people like Christina and Lauren saw in me people here could see in me too. I want to fall head over heels in love with somebody I can be with here and now, not only in our fantasies. I want to feel connected to someone."
I so wish my own boyfriend feels this way about me and the relationship. Sadly... NOT. Don't we all just take these things for granted? Sadly... YES.
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| I'm done with people who hurt you and do not see it. so much for not hurting the people around you that loves you, and i got hurt over & over again. some people would clearly choose other girls and hurt you and ask you to leave. thats what i got in my face, no remorse feelings, so apologies that was sincere, just to get lost because 'what i did was not wrong'. now i know where i stand in your life, all those words and promises were empty. no guilt for hurting me, no guilt for not being there, no guilt for treating me the way you did. i gave my 100% to you as i first promised you, without taking it for granted, not to leave you when you needed me most, to be by your side, to love & cherish you, to always love you. you took all your promises to me for granted, so lightly. what is said & done cannot be undone. so much for love or even loving someone. you get bitten and hurt.
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| just stop with your ego, just stop with the attitude, you are really pushing me away. more than you can ever imagine, that is NOT love. just have some respect. have some sensitivity. just be a gentleman. know who is in the wrong and who is not. stop taking out on others who did not do anything wrong to you. why go and take people for granted and hurt those who really fucking care and love you? why do you NEED to always be in the right when you are clearly in the wrong? just because you had a hard life does not mean you must make it hard for others! there are some people who are genuine to you so open your fucking eyes and see that. what is said & done cannot be UNDONE. don't go appreciating those who are taking you for a fucking ride. appreciate those who are fucking genuine. you are an adult. you should be able to judge and know that. wonder why your life is always fucked over? because you allow it to be by appreciate the wrong people. i thought i was strong, but you have pushed me to the edge and my limit. i have no more patience to let it slide over and over again. it is fucking unfair. all i ask is to be a gentleman. in OVERALL, be nice! courteous! have empathy! have some heart! it does not have alway be YOU. It can be for OTHERS too! doubt you will ever let your pride go enough to see the good in people. i give up, literally and this time i really do. i cannot turn back and i won't until i know its a sincere move from your end. you really just lost everything of me as of last night. that is the most disrespectful thing you did. i never imagine some shit ass bastard got you all fired up but suddenly we ended up in shits. the shit should be fired towards the bastard and not me. as always, its easy to just let it out on me. thats because i always allow you to but not fucking anymore. i don't see the point of trying anymore. apologies after apologies and then ego kicks in and you go back on your word. how long you want me to believe your apologies? have you not heard or read about the fucking story where the kid kept tricking the villagers till the point when he is in deep trouble, they just ignored him? well, there is only so much insincere apologies a person can take. once is fine, twice is a coincidence but fucking 3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 et cetera is just total utter waste of time. you need a slut. that's all you need. a slut that shuts up, has no fucking principals and listens to you like you are the king. well, go ahead because i am done and until you really are genuine and sincere, you can undo it. if not, just don't bother trying, really. stop wasting anyone's time and money. i just lost every inch of hope and trust in your word. it is not that i have never tried. why treat people the way you hate people treating you? why hurt others? why hurt ME? just dump me, wouldn't that be better? at this point, i really don't mind or care. it will hurt but at the very least, the whole emotional roller coaster of torture is over. and i swear never to be apart of your life forever. not even a tiny bit. you lead yours and i lead mine. separated.
i need to know this: don't you have an inch of guilt when you hurt me?
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| been feeling really troubled. how do i get past this?
at many times, i just miss. with no regrets of a surface. every lines meets with lightness of ink. our instincts are misleading, they don't tell you to walk. you just know you should walk. you should not think what you are feeling. the implications of complications is death defying.
there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade, now it's gone and its like it wasn't there at all and here i rest in disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night. all night.
i wonder if death cab for cutie experienced what i did. manifestations of feelings are boiling within. some people just do not care, actually they do, but they choose not to. it shows very clearly. there's always an excuse of not having time nor the money for others and there is always money and time for one's self. how do you make someone feel special or at the very least loved? don't you miss the times when you first fall for someone? your heart jumps a beat, butterflies in your stomach, the need to always please or try to please, the excitement and the joy of wanting to love and spoil him/her when he/she is yours? all yours to love, care and spoil. where has that all gone? arguments, complacency, money, time are all just excuses we make up to get away with things. in fact, all we do is take things for granted, like the person we love will be there for you today, tomorrow and in the future. why make excuses? i read somewhere and having insights from both male and female friends, you can be practical and realistic but everybody loves to be surprised and spoilt in some ways or another. its the little special things that counts, especially if it is what one really loves. well, for all my footprint readers since 2005, you'd already know i love white roses and ladybirds (yes, am still with my ladybirds), and my music taste 'can' be a bit odd to many. you can't hide the innocent, nice things you love.
have you ever doubted yourself? that you need to blend in with what society expects of you to be? i often doubt myself, why be nice when bad ones always wins. its a struggle.
you need to respect for one's feelings, one's self worth, treat them with good intentions and kindness. someone once told me years back "the ends justify the means and freaking apply that when you are in a relationship!" (unquote). he was so right. and i did for 5 years then on and it didn't work out. and life moves on. i don't look back because it's all about looking forward. but i did reflect back, and realized, fuck. my friend was so right. then he left for the U.S. it did me good, it did the relationship good. it did my life good. it did my friends good. it did my work good. it did my family good. and then you go on thinking by turning the pages in the book of frances teresa angus, the life of me, my own life.... that there were hardly any regrets but a lot of anguish which i had no control off. it seemed to all have started in 1996, then 1997.. then now. i now know why.
i just miss the feeling of love.
and ... i miss your warmth, your touch, your attention, your care, the little sweet things you used to do. i just miss it. (sorry, this is a personal message.) i just had to write it out. i had to let it out. there is only so much i can crave anymore.
i will leave all you footieprints with this from DCFC.
Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
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